we have officially lost it.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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