the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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