I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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