Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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