is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
