if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
