i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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