Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
