maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
