peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
