I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
