I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We need a shit load of segways right now
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
