Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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