my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
