Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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