the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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