didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I'm eating all of the evidence.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
