We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
