Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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