update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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