make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
