I am midnight drunk by noon
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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