Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I need water and some morals
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
