Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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