You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
