Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
