I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
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Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
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Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.