Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine