Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Your cock deserves a montage
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
