I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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