I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
