How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
