when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
