1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
If that was your dad, he is hot
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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