I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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