Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
