It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
