Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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