Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
