I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
and you fell through a lawn chair
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
