you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
