She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
