apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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