i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
