sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
