So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
