Walk of Shame. In a state park.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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