Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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