you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
