We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
why is half of my head shaved?
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