That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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