I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
