Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
