You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
