Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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