I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
