Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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