Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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